Drained.

Lately, I’ve been feeling wiped out. I’ve developed senioritis, which is ironic seeing as how up until a few weeks ago, this was the first year of school I can remember that I actually was really enjoying. However, there are only five more weeks left, and then I’m free for a couple weeks. During that time, I should (hopefully) have no job and be on vacation. I would like to leave my current job just as soon as the school year is up, but I’m not sure exactly when I’ll be done with that. Of course, no school means that I must get some sort of a full-time job… which is a problem. I’d like to do something that I could actually enjoy, even if it is just for the summer, which rules out most jobs you can get with just a high school diploma. The prospects for getting a vehicle so that I don’t have to borrow my mother’s van are slim as well. We shall see how the Lord will provide.

We’ve been planning my graduation with the other three homeschoolers at my church who will be graduating this year. It’s starting to take a definite shape, and I’m really looking forward to it.

Finally, back to being drained. I’ve been discovering something in the last couple weeks, and that is that I’ve been relying too much on people and not enough on God. Yet, on the other hand, I’ve also recognized that I’m incapable of handling solitude. I’ve been experiencing a lot of it lately. Most days I seclude myself in our basement, in the office which my mom and I share but she never uses. I take my computer and my textbooks and go to work. I pretty much spend all my time at home (other than when I’m sleeping, and most of the time when I’m eating) at this place. My desk is kind of tucked away (under the stairs) and so I’m not necessarily the most accessible to the general public (a.k.a. my family and anyone else who might happen to be in the house at the moment). This is something that is resented by those around me, but it’s a necessity until I finish school.

It also used to be that I would talk to friends online a lot. Over time, it became a sort of a substitute for face-to-face interaction, but lately, this hasn’t been occurring less and less. For one, being online keeps me from getting a lot of school accomplished, and for two, the people that I would talk to are not on as much. Busy with their own things, no doubt. And that’s where I found myself struggling last week.

As busy as I’ve been, I haven’t realized what I’ve been doing to many of those around me. What it took for me to realize it is everyone else doing it to me. You see, it’s a difficult thing to realize that most people are more concerned with the things they have to do than the people around them, especially when “people” includes yourself. That’s been me for a while, and since the shoe is on the proverbial other foot now, I’ve come to realize that things aren’t all that important. Sure, it’s important to accomplish the tasks you’ve been given, but it’s more important to focus on the people around you. Only focusing on the things that you must do will drain you, but even more, it will drain those you hold most dear. After all, Scripture does say “Love your neighbor as yourself,” not “love your jobs as yourself.”

The extension of this that I’ve made is that I’m more concerned about my tasks than my relationship with the Lord. This is a big mistake, no doubt. Today, Pastor preached on how to become effective at evangelizing. He pointed out that when Jesus called the disciples, He said this: “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” He said that if we take care of the following, the Lord will take care of the fishing. Read it closely and you’ll realize that’s really what it’s saying. Follow the Lord, and HE will take care of the things that you have to get done. So, I’ve resolved to make a better effort at the following, and let the Lord make the better effort at the tasking.

As I finish this post, I realize that the things I’ve written are indeed lifting my spirits. Now, perhaps a long night’s sleep will help even more.

“Lord, give me eyes and ears to know YOUR desire for my walk with You. Help me to know that You come first, people come second, and you will take care of the mountain of work that I face.”